Monday, October 19, 2015

Here's To Our Future...

Since the 13th, my son and I have had some amazing adventures. There isn't a day from the past or in our future that I won't shield him from harm. Life is full of lessons, however, this lesson is mine, not his. A lesson that took 15 years for me to finally see the red flags that have constantly been SCREAMING at me, but because I was blinded by (what I can honestly thought to be) love - I've DEFINITELY woken up. However, I cannot hate myself for ignoring my inner instincts, but doing so, has brought me the most beautiful - totally unplanned - gift I could have ever received.

To me, it doesn't matter how I received it, it matters on what I plan to do with it. How am I going to become a better person because of my son? How can I teach him about the beauties and evils in this world? When is the right time to shield him and when I can teach him to become a better person? He's my heart. There is an unspoken language between a mother and her child(ren). A smell, a touch - all the senses are severely heightened. It's a breath-taking and an indescribable feeling.

What does the future hold? Who knows...but I'm definitely taking my son's hand and leaping for it. As much as I can't wait to watch him grow, I want to keep him as my little baby. Small enough for my arms, because soon, he's going to be too hard to hold on my lap. Right now he's 16 months, but he's built like a 3 year old.

I've already learned so much about myself within the last year and a half. I knew I was strong on the inside, but it wasn't until my son was born did I really show myself how strong. I push myself to strive for a better future, no matter the cost. As right now, I'm in desperate need of sleep - sleep in which I can get when I'm dead (something my grandfather always said).

"Loop Holes" - where there is a will, there is a way. Find your drive - hang on to it - if there is a road block, a door will open for you somewhere. Search for it. For example, child support - you have to ask the right questions if you want help. Speak up! Find the information that will help you. Protect your child(ren). Or for example, working out and providing a better lifestyle for you and your child(ren). For those who constantly tell you "you can't do something", show them their wrong. Show them you can move on without their negativity.

FAMILY (SPOILER: grab the tissues)
When I was 19, all but 1 grandparent started to "leave" my life one by one and rather quicker than most families. In less than a few years, I had lost 4 family members. While we weren't living in the next time and seeing each other every holiday, we are still family. By the time it take a person to go through the 5 stages of grief, another family member passed away before I reached stage 3. Because of this, I ended up seeking a therapist and taking Zoloft once a day on the smallest dose possible (I'm not a fan of medicines). I also pushed myself back into college, trying to find something to get my mind off of my family. But, before I go completely off topic...

My son was brought into my world at the perfect time...

I had already lost all but one step-grandmother (who lives out west). Other than my aunt, uncle and cousins (who live up north), we had no close family. Everyone has family that passes slowly, but ours nearly disappeared in just a few short years. I miss the war stories and going through old photographs, I miss watching the softball games (in complete silence) and the smell of cigars, I miss the moving dolls (even though they scare the crap out of me), I miss the Victorian Dolls and the smell of my grandmother's perfume. I miss being called the wrong name (some grandparents or great-grandparents forget). I miss my family.

My son brought a very large family back into my life. My ex's family is amazing, I'm sure there are flaws, but they have memories. Memories I want my son to have. Traditions I want him to be a part of. The smell of a vineyard when he spends time with his GiGi, his Glam-Ma's perfume from every time she's hugged him, the baseball games he's watched with multiple family members, and so much more.

As for my ex, only time will tell what kind of memories he'll pass on. No matter the situation, good or bad, there is always a blessing to come out of it. I wouldn't have believed it before our son arrived, but now, I'm a believer.

So, here is to our future, our memories, our traditions and our loved ones! Cheers!



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